Fear

i self-cared today! no, not in a dirty way.. people, get your minds out of the gutter! no, i had a fight with my dad (again) on the subway ride back up from work, so rather than endure ten minutes sitting in the confined area of the car with him, i chose to spend over an hour walking home.

so, i got some good exercise, which is good cuz im getting a little soft around the middle bit (which i blame entirely upon my job: im trapped behind a desk all day, and the only form of entertainment is snacking... of COURSE im going to get a little pudgy. im at 104.3 lbs right now. hopefully i can shed at least the 4.3 before going back to school) it's ludicrously hot today (the current temperature with humidex factor is 38 degrees celcius.. which is VERY hot for where i live) and i was wearing a woolen blazer to work today.. so i definitely sweat off a couple of ounces.. but this was all just an fringe benefit. the REAL perk was that i got some "alone" time... just me, and my thoughts, and they went something like this:

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I can't believe that A has started parenting me. The last thing in the world that I need is another fucking parent. Well, he means well, I suppose. God, I love him. I wonder why I love him so much. It's not his appearance.. and his personality is fabulous, but not necessarily what I would have been looking for in an ideal match... I suppose it's the way he makes me feel: safe. I've never felt safe with anyone before. Even with my parents, I love them, but when I am with them, I am always scared: scared that they will be hurtful; scared that they will be angry; scared that they will be disapproving; scared that they will be disappointed. Scared that they will disinherit, or disown me. Scared that they will refuse to support me. Scared that they will stop loving me. I suppose, with A, the financial support does not enter into our relationship, but I have never felt scared by Alex, about anything. He may be angry, disapproving or disappointed, but ultimately, he always lets me know that he loves me. And I always know that THAT is the predominant emotion.

Living at home has signified, for me, a time of fear and oppression. I would never attempt to look within myself, or to learn what I truly wanted from life, or even express a firm opinion, because I was always scared to do so. People frequently think, when comparing me with my sisters, that I am the shy, gentle, soft-spoken, easy-going one, because I do not openly express myself. This may be partially true, but another large part of the reason for my reservedness is fear. After moving away to university, I began to confront more issues, especially emotionally. Feeling safe and protected by A, I began to break down the barriers of fear and open up to the world. I found the strength and courage to seek help for a problem that I had, out of fear, ignored for years.

Coming home, though, is difficult. I am constantly reminded of the reasons for the barriers. The attitudes of my parents. My perpetual fear.

Why am I like this, while my sisters are not? I don't know. Perhaps we were raised differently. I have a few thoughts on this, but I will not express them on this blog. I'm not ready, quite yet, to share them with the world.

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I should go shower. I'm rather sweaty and disgusting. But feeling much better, after my mini-self-therapy session. I should charge myself $150 for the hour.

someone commented anonymously on my most recent post on this blog. i dont know who it was, but i want to extend my heartfelt gratitude to them: thank you, whoever you are. thank you for making me feel like im a failure even at hating myself.

dirty little secret...

i've spent the past week celebrating my 21st birthday. but i have a secret: i dont think that there's anything to be celebrating about. i'm not happy to be turning twenty one. all i can think about is the fact that i wish i had died twenty one years ago, and never been forced to endure the hell that is life. it's been a good excuse to drown my sorrows in alcohol, though. i want to kill myself. i am beginning to lose faith that even the few people i thought cared believe in me anymore. and this may sound backwards, but if they dont love me, what reason is there for me to love myself?

i just cut my wrist. not enough to kill me. but enough to hurt.

do not phone me. i dont want to hear it.

Things aren’t going quite so well. I love my job, and I love that I can spend so much time with J and L these days, but overall, my life is falling apart, and I hate it. As you may or may not know, I have been prescribed a dosage of anti-depressants, and I am seeing a therapist on a regular basis over the school year, to help me to work through the difficulties I have been struggling with since high school... This year I was formally diagnosed with Depression, an issue that my counsellors have suspected for over four years, which I consistantly brushed off until recently.

In the few months that I’ve been working on this, I feel I have made a significant amount of progress. I still have a long way to go, but acknowledging the fact that there was a problem, and seeking help was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I’ve learned the importance of taking the time and space to care for myself, and the importance of putting myself first. I’ve been working on widening my perspective and learning from various experiences, rather than just getting upset about them.

Since I’ve come back home, however, staying on track has been very difficult for me. I realized that over the past few years, I enjoyed coming home because I was forced into an environment where I had no choice but to “put on a happy face” and pretend everything was fine; to go through the motions. It was easier to act like things were going well if I didn’t have the option of facing the reality of how I actually felt. After taking the plunge and looking the problem squarely in the face, so to speak, it is very hard to come back to this atmosphere of putting on a stiff upper lip, and presenting a strong, composed face to the world.

After having struggled for the past two months to reconcile the expectations of my family to go out and act “normal” with my personal goals and the things that I consider important, such as taking care of myself, and facing up to the reality of the situation, I recently had a complete emotional breakdown. There has been quite a substantial amount of tension building up between my parents and me for some time now. I don’t feel that they have been very supportive of me as I try to work through this difficult time in my life - rather than encouraging me to tackle the root issue, all they seem to be able to do is to tell me to "snap out of it." They have made me feel very guilty about the whole issue, as well, which is extremely counter-productive and has made the whole ordeal much more difficult.

Things have been getting increasingly difficult as the summer has progressed, and earlier this week, a relatively minor disagreement with my parents proved to be the “last straw” and turned into an ugly, messy hysterical fit. I threw a full out tantrum, complete with kicking, screaming and crying. It reached a point at which I was lashing out with physical violence, and threatening to move out of the house. I bit my father, scratched my sister's arm until I drew blood, and tried to push my mother down the stairs. I had even packed up some things, and called my boyfriend to ask him to come and get me. I didn’t have a plan or anything. I just wanted to get out. A came over, and was able to eventually calm me down, and convince me that my leaving home would only make matters worse.

Upon further conversations with him, he also helped me to see the importance of finding someone to talk to here, to help me to find techniques to get through the next few months. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and while I can’t change the way my family addresses certain situations, I CAN work on the way I react to certain situations. It's hard, but I can do it. I have to do it. It's the only way.

things have been bad lately. really really bad.

i wish i had been able to get online and just get it all out, but sadly i couldnt. instead, all the anger, pain and hatred was turned inward, and made me want to die. i dont think it's good that i long to die. i want my life to be over as soon as possible.

i think i have, in a few short weeks, undone all the hard work and progress of the past five months. i realized why i always felt better during the summer. during the summer, i became totally numb. being numb is better than being miserable. now, however, after struggling so hard against the numbness, it's incredibly difficult to tune life out and render myself immune to my surroundings. so, instead, im miserable. so very miserable. i blame the pills. maybe if i stop taking them i'll be able to numb it all out again. but there's this little fighting spirit inside me that wont let me give up. i've come this far, i CANT turn back now, no matter how strong the temptation. and if that means i have to deal with being miserable, i guess that's what i have to do. i just hope i can stand it. i hope that i can beat it before it beats me. im scared that it will win... but at the same time, i kind of hope it does.

I Miss You..

As most of you know, I am in a long term relationship with an incredible guy that I met almost two years ago, now. In K-town, the two of us are inseparable, to the point that we draw jokes about being like a married couple. We spend practically ALL of our time together, and we both know that if we are lonely, sad, upset, or just cant sleep, at any time of the day or night, a friendly face is no more than a phone call, or a leisurely ten minute walk away.. many was the time that i would call him up at 3am, saying that i missed him, only to have him walking into my room fifteen minutes later... many was the time that i would send him an instant message at 1am, telling him that i couldnt sleep and was coming over for a cuddle, before walking down to his house.

now, however, we have other issues to deal with. we're back at home, and so have to deal with the pressures of living with family... in particular, me living with MY family... now, before i start, let me just say that i do love my family a lot.. they're an amazing group of people, and we have an amazing bond... that said, my parents are kind of rigid about the idea of my being involved in a serious relationship, and due to our social schedule, as a family, on top of my work and academic committments, i find myself with very little time to call my own. as a result, we have had very little time to spend together, over the past three weeks, and circumstances will probably only improve marginally over the next three months.

today was an especially difficult day. i spent quite a while crying today. not all at once, but in short intervals. generally, i find crying cathartic, but today it just made the hurt even worse. all i could think of was how much i wished he was there to hold on to me, to comfort me, to stroke my hair and hold me close as he reassured me that it would all be okay.

i kept cuddling up to my pillow this afternoon, as i was napping, and i would get so frustrated when i would wake up and realize it wasnt him beside me.. i fell asleep again, on my side, and as i half woke, i could feel bare skin against my face. with my eyes still closed, i turned my head to kiss his chest, and was disappointed to feel my lips meet my own hand.

there were so many times today that i wanted to rush over to his place, just for a hug... just to feel his warmth and love surrounding me, even for a second. but i couldnt. and i dont know when i'll be able to. for now, all i can do is send all my love his way, and satisfy myself with the hope that he's doing the same for me.

it's been like a month and a half since i last posted here. and so much has happened in the interim. and yet, now that im back, im in exactly the same situation as i was last time i posted: desperately needing to cry.

as i left my office building this evening, i walked past a woman carrying a beautiful blond little boy. suddenly, i noticed my eyes were brimming over, and i cried all the way to the subway. i dont know what it is. i need a hug so much.

*sigh*

i'll post again when im in the mood to be chatty. for now i just want to be by myself. well, ideally i'd like to be with alex.. but i cant, so i'll opt for being alone..