Fear

i self-cared today! no, not in a dirty way.. people, get your minds out of the gutter! no, i had a fight with my dad (again) on the subway ride back up from work, so rather than endure ten minutes sitting in the confined area of the car with him, i chose to spend over an hour walking home.

so, i got some good exercise, which is good cuz im getting a little soft around the middle bit (which i blame entirely upon my job: im trapped behind a desk all day, and the only form of entertainment is snacking... of COURSE im going to get a little pudgy. im at 104.3 lbs right now. hopefully i can shed at least the 4.3 before going back to school) it's ludicrously hot today (the current temperature with humidex factor is 38 degrees celcius.. which is VERY hot for where i live) and i was wearing a woolen blazer to work today.. so i definitely sweat off a couple of ounces.. but this was all just an fringe benefit. the REAL perk was that i got some "alone" time... just me, and my thoughts, and they went something like this:

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I can't believe that A has started parenting me. The last thing in the world that I need is another fucking parent. Well, he means well, I suppose. God, I love him. I wonder why I love him so much. It's not his appearance.. and his personality is fabulous, but not necessarily what I would have been looking for in an ideal match... I suppose it's the way he makes me feel: safe. I've never felt safe with anyone before. Even with my parents, I love them, but when I am with them, I am always scared: scared that they will be hurtful; scared that they will be angry; scared that they will be disapproving; scared that they will be disappointed. Scared that they will disinherit, or disown me. Scared that they will refuse to support me. Scared that they will stop loving me. I suppose, with A, the financial support does not enter into our relationship, but I have never felt scared by Alex, about anything. He may be angry, disapproving or disappointed, but ultimately, he always lets me know that he loves me. And I always know that THAT is the predominant emotion.

Living at home has signified, for me, a time of fear and oppression. I would never attempt to look within myself, or to learn what I truly wanted from life, or even express a firm opinion, because I was always scared to do so. People frequently think, when comparing me with my sisters, that I am the shy, gentle, soft-spoken, easy-going one, because I do not openly express myself. This may be partially true, but another large part of the reason for my reservedness is fear. After moving away to university, I began to confront more issues, especially emotionally. Feeling safe and protected by A, I began to break down the barriers of fear and open up to the world. I found the strength and courage to seek help for a problem that I had, out of fear, ignored for years.

Coming home, though, is difficult. I am constantly reminded of the reasons for the barriers. The attitudes of my parents. My perpetual fear.

Why am I like this, while my sisters are not? I don't know. Perhaps we were raised differently. I have a few thoughts on this, but I will not express them on this blog. I'm not ready, quite yet, to share them with the world.

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I should go shower. I'm rather sweaty and disgusting. But feeling much better, after my mini-self-therapy session. I should charge myself $150 for the hour.