time for a cry...

got into a huge fight today with my dad, over the ring that has found a permanant home upon the middle finger of my left hand. he doesnt like my wearing it.. because it's a symbol of something that he doesnt approve of. but that's exactly why i still wear it. it's a symbol. and while i claim that i can force myself to deal with reality, the symbolism is harder to let go of. obviously, im not at all ready to let go yet.

enough.

it's funny. there comes a moment when you realize that enough is enough. you don't want to deal with it anymore. you just want to close your eyes and have it go away. sadly, it's not going anywhere. so i suppose i'll have to be the one to go.

goodbye.

oh, the irony.

the day i finally put my foot down, and assert myself, and tell D that I love A ends up being the last day of our relationship.

Delusion..

Half-awake, this morning, I was comforted by the feeling of a body beside me. Drowsily, I reached behind my head to run my fingers through A's hair as he slept. As I rolled over, however, to cuddle into his arms, I was disappointed to find that it wasnt A beside me. It was Heath. I cuddled up to Heath, anyway, but it wasnt the same. Nothing will ever be able to compare to the warmth, comfort and security of waking up in A's arms; a warmth, comfort and security that I will never feel again.

so, here's the thing...

how do you know when it's time to let go? when the other person tells you that it is over, do you just accept that, or do you fight for what you want? is it selfish to try to assert your own desires in that type of situation?

for example (TOTALLY hypothetical situation..) say person A did something bad. and then person B gets understandably upset, and decides to call the whole thing off. but what if A and B had been an amazing couple, and breaking up seems ridiculous? so many couples find a way to work through major issues without breaking up. couples can survive abuse; couples can survive adultery; couple can even survive illegitimate children. all because the participants love each other enough to work on their relationship.. to make it work.

i think that if someone is abusive of their partner, the relationship should not continue. if one person no longer loves the other, then it's just a lie for the relationship to continue. but when you love someone, your relationship is ALWAYS worth working on.

it may hurt to know that they have loved someone other than you, or that they are flirtatious, or that they hacked into a file.. but you can always look beyond these things to the things you love. it may sound cheesy, but at the end of the day, all you need is love. love conquers all. when you love someone, you need to do whatever it takes to make it work.

edit: yeah, so i kinda interrupted myself, and digressed from my "hypothetical situation".. so let me finish:

should person A accept person B's decision without struggle, as a consequence of their inappropriate behaviour, or should they put up a fight? try to convince person B that breaking up is not the best option.. and it definitely is not the only option. or is this considered selfish? by doing this, is person A being insensitive to person B? on the other hand, by NOT doing it, arent they being untrue to themselves? when you love someone, you instinctively want to do whatever (within reason) will make them happy. so if person B decides to call the relationship off, person A might agree, so as to allow B to pursue their own happiness. but in such a situation, does A have an obligation to express their position to B, to explain that they want to re-establish the trust, the closeness, the mutual esteem that made their relationship so strong?

I don't know. I'm torn.

Therapeutic Blogging Catharsis - Raw and Unedited

*Feels Like Home*

*Drive Myself Crazy*

*sigh* I have a TERRIBLE voice. It has been established. I love this song… “Lying in your arms/ So close together/ Didn’t know just what I had/ Now I toss and turn/ Cuz I’m without you/ Now I’m missing you so bad./Where was my head?” That’s the problem. I wasn’t thinking. WHERE WAS MY HEAD?!? And because I lost my head… and I was STUPID…. I jeopardized everything that we had.. and it’s just.. ugh.. I don’t know.. *made a mistake* I DID make a mistake.. I …I…. it was… I cant even express how stupid it was.. I cant even.. I don’t even honestly remember what happened.. it was just… the whole night is just a blur… all I remember is hurting cuz I knew I had hurt you.. and.. umm.. ohh.. all you ever did was love me… why did… why did I have to go and screw it up? It was the best thing that ever happened to me… and I had to go and screw it up. *I’ve only got myself to blame* I do. I only have myself to blame…. There’s nothing else I can say other than that.. it’s totally my own fault… and I deserve whatever happens.. whatever comes.. I totally deserve it… cuz… I fucked up.

You know what’s weird? Im lying here, on my bed… facing this tape recorder.. and just talking… wishing it was you I was talking to, but it’s not.. it’s not you… it’s a tape recorder .. but that’s gonna have to do for now, cuz, like I said.. I fucked up.

*sigh* honestly, I miss you so much, baby. I really really do miss you. You know how they say you don’t know what you have until you’ve.. lost it? Or you don’t appreciate what you have until you’ve lost it, or whatever the saying is? It’s TRUE! I mean.. I knew I loved you.. you knew I loved you… I still DO love you.. I want you to know that.. I just didn’t realize how much I loved you.. until now.. now that im actually.. really.. facing the real prospect of us not being together anymore.. the prospect of not having you with me every single day… not being able to share my life with you… it’s just.. terrifying.. and..

yes, I ran away. I came home. I just needed some space. I needed to think things through.. cuz.. I was SO scared. I still am. I’m SO scared of what’s going to happen. But I needed to come to terms with things.. and I was so scared of the way I was feeling, too.. cuz.. *sigh* .. okay, this is something.. I wish I could tell you this in person.. this is something.. it’s.. it’s SO huge.. and it’s really the kind of thing you wanna tell someone in person.. because.. because.. it’s just that kind of thing… but I cant.. so im just going to have to do it like this.. I.. have to… I don’t have a choice.

*big sigh*

So.. I was thinking about marriage.. and the future.. and.. and I realized that.. you know, everyone wants me to marry R…EVERYONE. So I always say.. I always refer to R as “the guy im gonna marry”.. and I just assume that.. that’s the way it’s gonna work out.. and I’ve always told you that.. er.. when it comes to marriage, there’s more to it than just being in love.. but.. really.. there isn’t. when it comes down to it.. I don’t want to marry him. He could NEVER make me happy the way you make me happy. It sounds cheesy.. this is like.. y’know.. TV line.. and if I heard it on TV, I’d throw a pillow at the screen and be like “oh shut up, this is so cheesy.. and y’know.. like.. turn off the tv.. or like, change the channel .. and be like omigod, the OC is so dumb”.. but really, you complete me… you do.. you complete me.. you’re my better half.. you take care of me.. we’re a team.. and.. and .. I mean, even stupid little things.. like.. you know.. I’ll go through, and edit an email you’re writing, while you’re writing it.. over your shoulder.. and I KNOW it annoys you to bits, but.. it’s little things like that.. it’s what makes us US.. and im never gonna have that with anyone else.. cuz… umm..

I was talking to someone.. I don’t wanna mention any names.. I was talking to someone we both know.. and she was saying that the scary part of a first relationship is not knowing.. not having anything to compare it to.. you think it’s fantastic.. you think it’s amazing.. but you’re so scared that.. “what if there’s something else? What if there’s something more that we’re missing? This seems as good as it gets, but I don’t really know any better..” and that’s the jeopardy of a first relationship.. you don’t know…and it’s a risk you have to take.. like.. are you gonna sacrifice an amazing relationship on the chance that MAYBE there’s something better, or are you gonna sacrifice the chance of something better in order to stay with this amazing first relationship? And I think that was exactly my concern.. it was like.. A and I are AMAZING together, we’re a perfect fit.. but what if there’s something more? What if.. you know.. your soulmate is.. what if there’s something else? I mean.. what happens if I never find out? But this weekend has made me realize that… im not willing to sacrifice what we have for some hypothetical possibility of MAYBE there’s something else. I don’t want to sacrifice what we have.. because what we have is SO good.. most people go through their lives without ever having a relationship with so much love, so much.. passion.. so much friendship as we do.. you’re my best friend.. and my lover.. and.. the person.. who takes care of me.. and.. I could never ever ask.. or expect.. anything more. Im never going to find that in anybody else.

I’ve just been deluding myself. Everyone else wanted me to marry R, so I was like “fine, I’ll marry R.. he’s my future husband” and I accepted that.. but.. y’know… you were right this whole time.. you were… you told me that what really goes into it is what I want, and that’s NOT what I want. What I want is you. I want to be with you. That’s all I want.

*big sigh*

*Iris*

“I don’t want the world to see me/Cuz I don’t think that they’d understand” I didn’t want the world to see me. I just wanted to get away, so I did. I wanted to hide… by myself. I just wanted to crawl.. into a little corner.. and lose myself in my own little world. To hate myself. Cuz right now I really do. I have.. possibly.. destroyed all possibility of a future for us.. and.. it’s just.. I’ve wrecked the best thing that’s ever happened to me.. I’ve.. like.. sabotaged the one possibility that could make me happy… I don’t know what it is.. why am I so scared of being happy? Why cant I just let myself be happy?

I love you. Why cant I just let myself love you without messing it up every.. three weeks? I don’t know. Some people might think.. that it means that there’s something.. wrong.. with the relationship.. I don’t agree.. I think… it just means that im STUPID. Like.. I don’t recognize a good thing when it.. bites me on the ass. I mean.. I’ve been involved in this.. unbelievable relationship for almost a year and a half now, and it took.. a DISASTER for me to realize how important it was to me..

*sigh* anyway.. you’re probably never going to hear this tape. Cuz I have a terrible singing voice, and I never want you to hear me sing… ever again.. im never singing aloud.. I had no idea I sound so bad.. umm.. but then again, maybe you will.. I guess it all depends on how things turn out. I just want you to know that I love you, baby.. I love you so much…

When you realize that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone.. this is a line from.. uh.. When Harry Met Sally… I cant believe im about to quote this movie.. but um.. “when you realize that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible”… you want to tell.. you want to tell them right away.. you wanna.. you wanna burst into their room, and then just be like “I love you!” and “I wanna marry you!” and “I want.. I want.. I want us to live.. happily ever after” That’s what I want to do, baby.. I want us to live happily ever after. And I wish I could tell you that.. I wish I could just.. run into your arms and tell you that.. and I’m absolutely devastated that I cant.

“When everything’s made to be broken/I just want you to know who I am”.. Not everything is made to be broken.. we weren’t made to be broken… okay, I need to skip this song. I don’t like the Goo Goo Dolls right now.

You know, it’s funny.. I was talking to someone else.. again, not mentioning names.. so I was talking to her about this whole situation, because obviously everyone is talking about it.. I guess that was kind of inevitable.. since I made such a huge scene.. and woke up your entire house.. which im sorry about, by the way.. I know you needed space, and some time, and I should have respected that.. but.. I wasn’t thinking that night.. all I could think was “what the hell happened?” I have no.. I honestly have no memory of what happened that night.. this is the first time.. I’ve never forgotten anything before.. but honestly.. that entire night is a blur.. I remember SOME things but.. *sigh* I don’t know.. all I remember is feeling DEVASTATED that I hurt you. Which is exactly how I feel right now, and probably how I will feel for the rest of my life. *sigh*

The general consensus is that what I did was a horrible thing to do. It was a terrible, terrible thing. It was just .. pure.. stupidity…. And there’s no sides to take now, on this issue.. cuz everyone agrees that it was a terrible thing. I don’t like what I did. You don’t like what I did. We’re in total agreement. It’s not a question of being on your side or my side.. because we’re all on the same side. We all agree that I did something totally idiotic, and I totally screwed up……
I just.. I just wish I could make it better.. I just wish I could rewind time and undo it.. or.. I don’t know… I don’t know what I can do… I don’t know what there is to do… except to tell you how sorry I am..

Yeah, it’s just a question of time now I guess. Where do we go from here? DO we go from here? And at this point, it’s not about what I want.. cuz you know what I want. I want to… I honestly want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to call my parents. Honestly. I’m not lying about this. I want to call my parents, and tell them the truth. Right now. Tell them that.. I’m completely in love with you, and that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Because it’s true. I do. I really really do.

Last night I had dinner at the M’s house.. and.. we were just talking about marriage and relationships and how.. a family friend of ours is getting married in a couple of weeks.. and..umm.. like, he’s a mutual friend.. and uh.. he’s brown.. his fiancée is asian. And like.. everyone’s cool with it.. it’s not like it’s some big scandal or anything.. but the question is the compatibility of it.. is it going to work? Because.. any marriage requires compromise.. and.. you know.. it requires a little bit of sacrifice because you have to adapt.. of course this adapt.. adaptation is required for… any relationship.. and uh the conversation was having was basically… uh.. y’know.. when you have an inter-racial marriage… there’s a lot more adaptation that is required… because.. along with the.. uh.. y’know the.. just the steps of.. that you have to take to adjust to just being married, you have to adapt to the entirely new culture.. and you’re never going to be fully comfortable in either culture anymore, as a couple. A is never gonna be fully comfortable in.. er.. I forget what her name is.. Karen, maybe? Yeah, he’s never gonna be fully comfortable with … with her culture.. and she’s never going to be fully comfortable with his. She’s never gonna be able to come to like.. Diwali parties.. and be totally comfortable with everything that’s going on.. and all the traditions and everything… and he’s never gonna be comfortable going to her house for.. er.. Chinese New Year.. cuz it’s not something he’s grown up with, it’s not something he’s totally at ease with.

But at the end of the day, that’s not what matters. I mean you can always.. any.. like I said, any marriage is going to require compromise. And just because someone is the same race as you, doesn’t make it okay.. it doesn’t mean you should marry them just because they are of that race.. really, what matters is who the person is… and there are going to be brown people who have no.. they don’t value the same things that another brown person does.. there are going to be asian people who don’t value the same things that other asian people do..it’s.. at the end of the day, it’s not a question of race, it’s not a question of ethnicity.. it’s a question of your values and who you are as a person.. and if.. and if who you are as a person is compatible with your.. significant other.. at the end of the day, that is all that matters.

Ooh.. what is that? There’s something.. Eww.. it’s a.. it’s a bug crawling on my ceiling! EWWW! Erm.. anyway.. yeah, im lying face up on my bed right now.. ummm.. so.. yeah.. what was I saying?

Oh yeah, at the end of the day, all that matters is the two people involved. If your family loves you, they’re going to love you no matter what. They might be a little disappointed, they might be a little upset, they might have a difficult time accepting it.. but they’re your family.. they’re going to love you no matter what. They’re going to be there for you, no matter what.. or at least, they should be. That’s what family is all about. At the end of the day you need to do what makes you happy. Your family is going to be happy that you’re happy. You need to do what makes you happy.. and what makes me happy is you.

These past few days, I’ve been a wreck. I haven’t been taking my pills.. oh.. I really should do that, eh? Okay.. I’ll do that right now.. be right back..

[background noise of digging through purse to find pills]

Okay, im back now.. so, yeah, I should have been taking my pills, but I just wasn’t.. I was too much of a wreck to care. But people have made sure I eat.. so.. yeah.

[coughing]

So.. yeah.. I’ve been a mess.. I’m sure you… I don’t know.. you can probably imagine. You know what I get like sometimes.. and I really needed to get away. I couldn’t deal with J being all like “you need to go out, you need to have fun” and I couldn’t deal with just lying in my room and being miserable in a room that totally reminds me of you.. I couldn’t.. I cant pack up my entire life into a box to stop thinking about you.. I cant put my bed, and my room and my entire life into a box. Everything I do reminds me of you. I look in the mirror, and all I can think about is the two of us standing in front of the mirror, holding on to each other and looking at ourselves, looking at how beautiful we are together.. and we are.. we are.. we’re a perfect fit.. “like a glove fits a hand”.. and im guessing you haven’t seen ‘the fiddler on the roof’ but whatever.. like a glove fitting a hand, it’s a perfect fit…

I don’t know if I can make you happy… and that’s what.. that’s the worst part.. I don’t know if I’ve ever made you happy.. but I love you so much.. and you’re the only one who understands me.. I can tell you everything.. you’re the only person who knows EVERYTHING there is to know about me.. you know things that I have told nobody else.. ever.. things that my family doesn’t know, things that my sisters don’t know, things that J and L don’t know, things that A doesn’t know.. you know EVERYTHING there is to know about me.. you know things I don’t know about myself.. about us.
And THAT is depth. THAT is love. I am totally open with you, I am totally comfortable with you…

*Like A Rose*

I don’t like this song. It’s Westlife. Let’s skip it.. and yeah, I don’t like this song either. Toni Braxton.. Unbreak My Heart.. Ooh. Spice Girls! 2 Become 1! Lalala!

*2 Become 1*

We do. When you hold on to me, baby, when we’re just lying there, in your arms.. we really were.. we were one person.. and not just in a physical way.. emotionally, spiritually… it sounds cheesy, but we ARE.. we’re one person… we’re the same.. we’re like.. uh.. one mind in two bodies.. one spirit in two bodies.. I mean.. you tell me when im hungry.. you tell me when im tired.. and [giggle] you’re ALWAYS right!

“I need some love like I never needed love before/ I had a little love, now I’m back for more”… but I had more than a little love.. I had SO much love.. I’ve had more love… I’ve had.. I’ve had more love in… in the one and a half years that I’ve spent with you than I’ve experienced in my entire life. And it’s not because I don’t love my family.. it’s just.. different.. it’s not the same.. I’ve never felt the way I feel with you. I love you so much, Alex.

I know there are things that you don’t like about me, and there are things I don’t like about you. but those are little things. They’re little things like.. I don’t know.. you don’t leave the toothpaste cap off, but things like that.. you don’t like the fact that my room is always a mess.. I don’t like.. uh.. I don’t know.. I cant think of anything right now that I don’t like about you.. umm.. I hate it when you burp… but I mean, honestly, that’s what I was talking about..compromise.. those are TINY TINY things in the grand scheme of things.. I LOVE that you and I can sit together and watch a movie.. and just sit there, and watch a movie and then talk about it afterwards… and I love.. I love [giggle] that I can turn my eyes against you when im scared.. I love that.. you know.. we can lie there in bed for hours.. just talking about issues.. and life.. and morals.. and relationships and family.. and talking about ourselves.. I love the fact that we can be so open with each other.. I love the fact that we can tell each other everything.. I’ve never had that with anybody else.. and I probably never will again.

*sigh*

Okay.. this song is getting boring now.. skip! Oh no.. this song is going to make me cry more.. it’s Love Song.. skip! And so is Lady in Red! Aww.. whatever.. I’ll let it play.. I need to cry more.

*Lady in Red*

I sing this song while I wash dishes. I don’t know why I do that. When I’m in Kingston, when I’m washing dishes.. which is not very frequently, but any time I do.. for some reason, I sing this song.. I think once we sang it together while washing dishes, and that’s just an association that I always have..
I remember dancing with you.. we were wearing towels.. right before we went to have a shower.. we were wrapped in towels and dancing to this song..
The two of us singing this song whenever it came on the playlist..

*sigh*

I’m hungry.. I need to go eat something.

I love you.