I Miss You..

As most of you know, I am in a long term relationship with an incredible guy that I met almost two years ago, now. In K-town, the two of us are inseparable, to the point that we draw jokes about being like a married couple. We spend practically ALL of our time together, and we both know that if we are lonely, sad, upset, or just cant sleep, at any time of the day or night, a friendly face is no more than a phone call, or a leisurely ten minute walk away.. many was the time that i would call him up at 3am, saying that i missed him, only to have him walking into my room fifteen minutes later... many was the time that i would send him an instant message at 1am, telling him that i couldnt sleep and was coming over for a cuddle, before walking down to his house.

now, however, we have other issues to deal with. we're back at home, and so have to deal with the pressures of living with family... in particular, me living with MY family... now, before i start, let me just say that i do love my family a lot.. they're an amazing group of people, and we have an amazing bond... that said, my parents are kind of rigid about the idea of my being involved in a serious relationship, and due to our social schedule, as a family, on top of my work and academic committments, i find myself with very little time to call my own. as a result, we have had very little time to spend together, over the past three weeks, and circumstances will probably only improve marginally over the next three months.

today was an especially difficult day. i spent quite a while crying today. not all at once, but in short intervals. generally, i find crying cathartic, but today it just made the hurt even worse. all i could think of was how much i wished he was there to hold on to me, to comfort me, to stroke my hair and hold me close as he reassured me that it would all be okay.

i kept cuddling up to my pillow this afternoon, as i was napping, and i would get so frustrated when i would wake up and realize it wasnt him beside me.. i fell asleep again, on my side, and as i half woke, i could feel bare skin against my face. with my eyes still closed, i turned my head to kiss his chest, and was disappointed to feel my lips meet my own hand.

there were so many times today that i wanted to rush over to his place, just for a hug... just to feel his warmth and love surrounding me, even for a second. but i couldnt. and i dont know when i'll be able to. for now, all i can do is send all my love his way, and satisfy myself with the hope that he's doing the same for me.

it's been like a month and a half since i last posted here. and so much has happened in the interim. and yet, now that im back, im in exactly the same situation as i was last time i posted: desperately needing to cry.

as i left my office building this evening, i walked past a woman carrying a beautiful blond little boy. suddenly, i noticed my eyes were brimming over, and i cried all the way to the subway. i dont know what it is. i need a hug so much.

*sigh*

i'll post again when im in the mood to be chatty. for now i just want to be by myself. well, ideally i'd like to be with alex.. but i cant, so i'll opt for being alone..